Sharri82 5 yr. ago. Youre it! That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. I couldn't believe the . Oops.Submitted by Robert Rea, Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. If youre looking for a sassier way to go through life, these smartass quotes with advice are sure to help. A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. You still havent used the present I gave you last year.Submitted by L.B. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. Submitted by Tim Vine, Q: What do you call twin police officers? So I gave him all the money I had. Me: Yes. A class act. My wifes having a heart attack and youre running around naked scaring the kids!, Im sorry and I apologize mean the same thing. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. Whats the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. Menu. You cant make somebody love you. Do you own a doghouse? Ive been so upset, Ive lost 20 pounds. If its that bad, why dont you just leave him? asks the other friend. Whats your last wish? Well, Ive always wanted to donate a kidney.Submitted by Robert L. Jaffee, Growing up with a curious younger brother and a sharp-eared dad led to some memorable conversations as a teenager. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this.". I have been working as a couples therapist for 20 years, and I know how many fights begin because someone cant take a joke.. Good news, he said. Need the laughs to come fast? !" It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. Everyone loves a smartass, whether they want to admit it or not. These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. I didnt know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding Alyshah Mehdi, a 19-year-old from Karachi, Pakistan, has been friends with a guy named Shayyan for a while, but lately, they've had "beef going on" between them, she told BuzzFeed News. You said I had 30 more years to live, she complains. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, Nice going! 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. If you have ever been offended by someone with nothing but a gaping mouth and a figurative puff of smoke as a response, you know how tragic a lack of a comeback can feel. Ever wondered how why did the chicken cross the road became a thing? Crocker, you are just fine!. If youre cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?, 12. Submitted by Robert Gallagher, I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till. Want to grab a drink? he asks the centipede, but theres no answer from the box. He really is your son! Detector: Beep.. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. I started a couple of weeks ago. Really? I said. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?, A turtle is crossing the road when hes mugged by two snails. Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. Good Comebacks 1. Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. I was browsing in the mens department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. Weeks? ._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4{width:100%}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA{display:none}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA,._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:block}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:none} The floors are so shiny you can see your antennae in them. And theres no better place to be than on your partners team! Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist. Dont miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out forand their best jokes. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, Occupation?. You havent been here a while, havent you? I asked. Submitted by Mark Flowerdew, Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. I cant, says the poodle. Im coming to live with you.Submitted by Joan Vercueil, A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! Dont miss these hilarious real life prank stories! During one visit, we were both busy with this task when the phone rang. Thats him, comes the reply. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. After a few minutes, the bird yells, Wheres my scotch? Yo mama so ugly when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application. Check out our all-time funniest work jokes. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money. You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel. So we stopped playing chess. Matt Kirshen. He fought with me again! Where did the music teacher leave her keys? Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. Conjunctivitis.com thats a site for sore eyes. Tim Vine. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. But hay its in my jeans. He never did any of that!, I tried having my mothers phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dads name, hed have to be the one to put in the request. Is someone being a total dick and youre at a loss for what to say? The day before both NBC and Fox confirmed she would not be making a return to the networks, Tamron Hall and Soledad O'Brien couldn't help but make a jibe at Megyn Kelly in New York. This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. 1. '", "Why did the old woman fall into the well? "I'm not sure; I was born with them.". Thats the day when I take out the garbage., 16. moments. Here, boy, he replies. Im not allowed on the couch., Two salespeople approached me at the furniture store. Oddly enough it's feminists, One of the UK's smallest towns has an award-winning pub and England's oldest fishing society, 'How bad are the pics? These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house! He rubs it and instantly, a genie appears. Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop. That didnt suit my husband. Youre drunk.. You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. Except at a funeral.Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentists office and says, I think Im a moth., The dentist replies, You shouldnt be here. ._3-SW6hQX6gXK9G4FM74obr{display:inline-block;vertical-align:text-bottom;width:16px;height:16px;font-size:16px;line-height:16px} The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. This isnt my child. GCFL.net, A skeleton walks into a bar. . Submitted by Rita Hickey, A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. One thing about Fred, his buddy says to the bartender. I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. Submitted by Paul Lewis, I think my goldfish has seizures, a man tells the veterinarian. .s5ap8yh1b4ZfwxvHizW3f{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);padding-top:5px}.s5ap8yh1b4ZfwxvHizW3f._19JhaP1slDQqu2XgT3vVS0{color:#ea0027} ._2cHgYGbfV9EZMSThqLt2tx{margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{width:75%;height:24px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-,._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{background:var(--newCommunityTheme-field);background-size:200%;margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-{width:100%;height:46px} Couldn't run a chook raffle. What are you drinking? he asks the guy. ._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{width:100%}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF,._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;max-width:100%}._1CVe5UNoFFPNZQdcj1E7qb{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:4px}._2UOVKq8AASb4UjcU1wrCil{height:28px;width:28px;margin-top:6px}.FB0XngPKpgt3Ui354TbYQ{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:start;align-items:flex-start;-ms-flex-direction:column;flex-direction:column;margin-left:8px;min-width:0}._3tIyrJzJQoNhuwDSYG5PGy{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%}.TIveY2GD5UQpMI7hBO69I{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;color:var(--newRedditTheme-titleText);white-space:nowrap;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}.e9ybGKB-qvCqbOOAHfFpF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;max-width:100%;margin-top:2px}.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5{font-weight:400;box-sizing:border-box}._28u73JpPTG4y_Vu5Qute7n{margin-left:4px} And in the morning kick me in the head Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore You led me away from home 'Cause you didn't want to be alone You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried I suppose I could collect my books And get . ", "Well I'm sure everybody here already knows about Murphy's Lawbut you guysprobablydon't know about Cole's law, am I right? Uncle G: How much does it cost to stay in it? Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned., Mrs. Smith wails, Oh, the poor man! Im having a heart attack, cries the woman. Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh, but are pushed for time. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. He replied, Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.. For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. Im doing great! Two doctors happened along and noticed him. I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. Later they get together. She couldnt control her pupils. What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. Exit signs? A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife. I dont know, she replies. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Could I have a few words with George?Submitted by David Miteff, An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. Why did the chicken go to the sance? He was a tackling dummy. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A man at a restaurant orders Swedish meatballs. BBLTHRW. How many times did you hit him? asks the detective. No more Mr Rice Guy. Tim Vine, My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. [Read: Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind]. Hes never gonna give you Up. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino? We have the best football jokes kids would love. Bless me father, for I have sinned, he says. When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. I took that as my cue to outline my expanded role, and listed my actions and achievements. How do you think I feel? asks his companion. How does NASA organise a party? Then it dawned on me. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldnt have started with the circumcision.. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. Im not very good at advice. It's sad how my friend got his medical license revoked for sleeping with a patient. When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. 12 / 102. You'll walk away feeling victorious! 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners Youre about to hit a home run and you want to jump in the air and scream yes! because for once you know exactly what to say. Bonnie, he says, Larry is doing fine! Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you. Bill Murray, 14. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. ", "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. Submitted by Andre Batista. A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning: Windows frozen! His wife texts back, Pour lukewarm water over it. Five minutes later he replies: Computer completely messed up now.Submitted by Catherine Hiscox. 134 Likes, 22 Comments - Aidan (@diazaidanw) on Instagram: "From killer hoco proposal, to killer hoco outfits . . Its a talking clock, the drunk replied. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake. All Im saying is, if you caught me, then you were speeding too., 44. Id like to start with the chimney jokes Ive got a stack of them. After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. Our doctors office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. Thesehilarious dog punswill give youpaws. Finally, he hollers, Hey! 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes One turned to my father and said, Do yall put manure on your strawberries? My dad smiled, then responded, I dont know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries. Submitted by Stacey Hebert. Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not Milton Jones, What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying: I just find it funny how Because there is a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny., 30. She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone. Then it hit me. I dont wish the best for you, nor do I want to find someone like you. Do you own a doghouse? Ugh! the student groaned. Me: Yes. Every so often, the good people of the Ask Reddit community get together and reveal their favorite short joke. Sorry, Im not Adele. You call me a bitch. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes We missed the R!, Father! cries the young monk. She couldn't control her pupils. She sells seashells on the seashore. Milton Jones. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. Weinstein. I love this saying: An intimate relationship is improved by the two or three things we dont say each day. Submitted by Terry Sangster. The wife says that yes, he could. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, I quit., Im not surprised, the head monk says. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes Tempting fate, I tried it on. Ive spent the week with seven beautiful women. Do not fret, my son, says the priest. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Toughest job I ever had? The bouncer says, "You can't come in here with a dog." Second door to the right, says the bartender. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. Thanks for dating someone ugly after we broke up., 17. I hate Russian dolls so full of themselves! Submitted byLucinda Rajaselvan, The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. A dog is a bitch, dogs bark. There are no fish under the ice! He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Why dont you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie. He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen., 46. I never even listen when you tell me them. We can hold ourselves accountable with self-compassion, and our partners can let us know about their hurt while remembering that we are imperfect and lovable. I laughed at all of your jokes My love you didn't need to coax Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore . Pack your stuff, they're waiting. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. New Flat-Panel Television Pitch Turn-Signal Vermilion Credit-Card Magnetic-Strip Coal Netflix-Envelope Scarlet Cubicle Ecru Unraked-Leaves Sienna Energy-Efficient Fluorescent-Bulb Quartz Blue-Screen-of-Death CobaltSubmitted by Casey Johnston, One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office. Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadnt made any plans, and trying to figure out how the hell you hurt your back., 31. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes When Im done, poof! Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. These wiseand often hilariousquotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life! We werent looking for the same thing, she explained. Start in England and drive west. Submitted by Eric Lyden, I went to the butchers the other day and bet him $50 that he couldnt reach the meat on the top shelf. A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone. ._3oeM4kc-2-4z-A0RTQLg0I{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between} It doesnt have to be Pi Day (March 14) to bring out thesefunny math jokes! I really thought you already knew. [Read: 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted], 41. I wanna see my real parents! Whether youre looking to tell it like it is, or offer someone a confusing truth about human behavior, these quotes to live by are sure to help you out. The walls are so clean you cant run up them. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Without hesitation, the man says: Never mind, I found one!, I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. Boy, it sure is creepy out here, says the first outlaw. Let her spell small animals, not big ones, said her mom. Ill grant you three wishes, the genie says. George, everyone who sees it there will know what youre doing, she told him in front of their church group. The bear shrugged. ' @woodyluvscoffee. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. In the piano! How do you get two whales in a car? Want to know whether you should be kicking your lover to the curb? But again the camera flashed. Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? 80. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. Hes not breathing and his eyes are glazed. Good heavens, the first doctor said to the second, look at that poor crippled fellow., Yeah, answered the second doctor. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. Thats exactly the effect you want to have! Good players are hard to find. Never trust atoms. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. Have trouble making it to the punchline? As it happens, theres a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. The fact that hed been dead for 40 years didnt sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?, Well, yes, she said reluctantly. He says to the man, "We're going to have to give you a drug test.". 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, Who folded the moon? Submitted by Julianna Waldner. Now hes the village blacksmith. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde, 42. Was anything wrong with them? the clerk asked. They make up everything. She has published three web humor books and six calendars, including You Had One Job! As a result, while in uniform, Im often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. If youre going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. -Marilyn Monroe, 38. I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. You have 30 more years to live.. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. @dadsaysjokes, If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria at my wedding, I would be like, Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? You do you! After several readings, I couldnt find my mistake. We missed the R! The boy screams. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens. A man is on trial for armed robbery. I want to provide you with some questions to invite reflection and conversation. When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, I bought my friend an elephant for his room. 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto} A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads Talking Dog for Sale. Intrigued, he walks in. ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. ! 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